I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
