Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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