im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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