Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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