Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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