since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
