If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
dude. I can hear the air.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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