end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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