I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
