My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
