Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
