This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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