When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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