so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
