eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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