Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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