I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
