awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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