Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
