I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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