she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
