turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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