They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I want her autograph on my taint
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
