If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
