walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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