i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
