Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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