Can i not drive my cunt home
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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