I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
