I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
