Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
