My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he fucked my hip out of place.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
