Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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