Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
