Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
