Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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