Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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