I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
