by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
