I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
