im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
