last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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