woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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