Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
