sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
