You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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