they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
