Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
