So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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