Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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