i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
