i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
