He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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