i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize