Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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