mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize