Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
