life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
