I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Two words: nipple clamps
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