I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
