Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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