I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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