just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
