I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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