I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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