So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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