i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
