Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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