I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she peed on how many people?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
