@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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